From Wanting to Die, Wanting to Live:
“And we laugh because You’re so dramatic, because You’re not gonna die. We both know You have to live. We laugh because we know other people die from what You have. Other people always die, but we won’t. We’ll live forever. I love You, and we’ll live forever. God dies. God dies when he doesn’t know what to say. Don’t talk to him. He’ll die.
Every bite is a bite too much. Some people kill to bite down on bread. Some people kill to live. Some live to die. This is how I remember how to breathe.
There’s nothing much to say.
I still Want to Die. I still love You. All the things that used to hurt me still do. I still say the same apologies before bed.
Everybody prays. Everybody goes to church. When I write, I’m saying prayers. When I’m saying prayers, I’m saying sorry. When I’m saying sorry, I Want to Live.
And that’s where I didn’t die. That’s where I don’t die.
That’s where I wake up. I wake up every morning.
And I watch George Lopez and start to cry. On his way to pour cornflakes into his favorite fruity pebbles bowl, Dad finds me crying.
I want to tell him there. I want to tell him I Want to Die. But I don’t. I never once stopped living. All that time I was alive. I am alive. I’ll never die.
So I run it all back again. I leave all the lights on in the kitchen all the time. Everything always. Life goes on. Death denied.
Please don’t die. Forget about it.”